Posted by: phynbarr | September 4, 2014

Just thinkin’

I guess I should preface this posting with the recognition that whilst I am not enamoured of my current situation that I am hugely conscious that my situation is SO much better than that of many others,  I have discovered the real strength and meaning of good family and good friends and, whatever the future holds, I relish and cherish that.

That said, it has felt a supremely crap week and I’m not even sure why I am writing this other than I was “provoked” by reading this

          http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/05/08/will-i-be-pretty-worthy-wanted-when-beauty-becomes-beast/

Before I go on, I think I should clarify that any “crapness” has been entirely internally generated.  Well, mostly.  Being turned down for a waitressing job at a local café certainly didn’t help but, even then, one could say that it was my internal reaction to that “rejection” that was at issue rather than the lack of employment itself.

couldn’t “one” 😛

I suspect, looking back, that I was blessed in my youth (gawd, listen to her, would I really talk like this?) NOT to have been pretty.  Certainly not beautiful.  Or bright, or clever, or charming, or persuasive or wanted or anything at all really.  

Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t feel like a blessing at the time.  But it has certainly meant that my expectations of society and society’s expectations of me have been suitably . . . . . . levelled.

It has also meant that I am capable of appreciating my own company.  If I want to go for a walk or to the cinema or shopping there is absolutely no expectation or requirement to be accompanied.  

I certainly never expected to have relationships or get married.  It was always going to be down to me.  So the fact that the marriage eventually broke down should really have been just a matter of course and not the devastating and surprising blow it turned out to be.

And, thereagain, in that situation, the resilience – early learned – has turned out to be a blessing.  Expectations lowered to “none” rather than “stun” and life trundles on again. 

 

So what did I intend by writing this small piece?

 

Not sure really.  It just seemed like something which needed to be said.  That it must be hellishly difficult for the <insert adjective here- beautiful, clever etc> to resist the siren songs of admiration from the rest of the world.  And why would they?  Where is the benefit in not fitting in and being the odd one out?  The geek in glasses

Except that I have long felt that it is actually very difficult if you have been lauded as “clever” from an early age, and effortlessly leapt every hurdle, to manage and deal with inevitable setbacks that will litter every life – no matter how gilded.  What feels like a rubbish experience of having to work hard for all you achieve means that you have generated resources that will serve you better in the long term

 

But then you knew all that, didn’t you?  It’s been said before from before Rudyard Kipling and since.  I’m sure even Lao Tse Tung chipped in at some point.

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